21 Days & Counting

There’s something humbling about owning a scale.

Let me disclaim this by saying that I’m not a huge numbers person when it comes to my weight. I will go months without knowing or caring what I weigh and just go off how my clothes fit, the look/feel of my skin and generally how I feel. However, these past few months I have been feeling awful (as you all know) so I did what not a lot of people recommend doing.

I bought a scale. 35143562_10157436684946729_1767007901295050752_n

A shiny, black, super modern scale.

And what did that sexy scale scream back at me when I graced it with my freshly pedicured feet?

220 lbs.

I almost screamed as I quickly jumped off.

How did I let this happen?

Now, naturally, I freaked out and got all down on myself and threw a few things. But after a tantrum on my part, I sat down and just began to think. Yes, I have been eating like absolute crap. I’ve been sleeping horribly, my skin is breaking out, my energy is nonsense, I haven’t been able to focus at work and I’ve overall just felt “blah.”

(Yes, I realize this is a familiar conversation).

So, to skip all the blah blah blah for you, I’ve started 21 Day Fix. It’s a 21-Day workout program through BeachBody and is 21 days straight of 30 minute workouts with double days during the final week. I just finished the first day and while it was hard, it wasn’t downright want-to-kill-myself awful.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you MUST have compassion for yourself. Compassion, grace, kindness and positivity toward yourself. Not to sound crazy, but you are sometimes your own best friend and you would never speak to your best friend the way you speak to yourself sometimes, am I right?

So, I have two goals over the next 21 days. Well, I have like a 100 but here are the major ones:

  1. Drink a gallon of water every day (128 oz/5 water bottles)
  2. Follow the 21 Day Fix workout plan

Now, I didn’t exactly say follow the 21-Day Fix eating plan. I’m going to try my darndest too! But I can tell you right now that already I have been cutting out bread and it’s been awesome. We are taking the KETO approach if anything.

I can also tell you that upon completion of this 21-Day Fix program, I plan to go straight into 21-Day Fix Extreme, then A Little Obsessed and then either T25 or 80-Day Obsession. I did T25 in the past and while the workouts caused me to throw up a few times, I can definitely tell you that there were some SERIOUS results happening and quickly.

So I would love if you follow along on this journey.

To all those brides out there (Like me!!!!!), I know we are (mostly) thinking about looking AND FEELING amazing on our wedding day. So if you’re #sweatingforthewedding like me, I’d love to hear from you 🙂

Have courage and be kind!

xoxo

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Ok, sooooooo

OBVI… I’ve kind of failed.

I will be damn, completely F******* straight with you in that I have 100% FAILED to stay on plan.

Like completely failed.

Today I had a brownie, a Rice Krispie treat, a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich and some chicken alfredo.

Do I feel bad about it? I mean, kinda.

Okay, since we are being honest, I’m beating myself to a pulp over my lack of all the things as of late.

Let’s start with the positives before I get down and dirty about my habits. 32464407_10157362122731729_5572731121805819904_n (1)

  1. I am officially a face painter! I’ve performed five shows in the past week and painted about 200 adorable kids faces with the likes of Batman, Pokemon balls, butterflies, hearts, unicorns and gotten a smile every time! It’s been an incredibly rewarding thing and I’m learning more every single time. (Side note: I now want ALL THE COLORS)
  2. I am doing amazing at my job as a marketing strategist. I helped design a $50K launch ($32K of that was in ONE DAY) and continue to blow my bosses minds with creative ideas and kickass webinars and presentations. They want to move me to salary!
  3. My boyfriend is amazing.
  4. I have been able to pay all my bills every month and come home to an awesome apartment with the perfect kitten 🙂

Life is amazing. Yes.

But, I’m also human and to top it all off, I’m a woman. So OF COURSE I have come to the conclusion that none of this matters because I’m about 50 lbs overweight and I have done absolutely nothing to improve that situation.

It sucks.

I feel gross. My clothes don’t fit and I have zero to no energy. Side note: Zero to no energy equals out to zero to no sex drive 😦

Here’s a question for all you awesome readers out there: How do you “get in the mood” if you will, when you don’t feel sexy yourself? I adore my boyfriend and want to make him happy, but I can’t bring myself to feel sexy enough to want to play.

I want to like myself in pictures again. I want to feel motivated. I want to eat healthy.

Why is this so hard?

This is a short post to an extent and honestly, probably not a productive one for your day. If anything, I have to say this: Keep going and keep trucking. That’s my advice.

Now I want yours!

How do you amazing and beautiful curvy girls stay confident? I envy your amazing attitudes.

So far, so good.

Hey chickies!

So, we are officially two days into the PiYo workout from Beachbody and it’s good stuff. I have a decent background with yoga in that I’ve always been in love with the practice and flexibility and strength are so much more important to me than a getting a good run in (AKA fuck running).

Yesterday was the fundamentals, so that basically consisted of me standing around and attempting to perfect my alignment without a mirror.

Seriously, side note to any yoga studios out there:

HAVE MIRRORS! It will help your students with their alignment and they will fix themselves before you can get to them!

 

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Me legit being a little sad about the lack of muscle definition I have. But here’s a BEFORE shot to look back on that isn’t all prettied up with filters! 

 

Anyway.

 

So there was that 40-min shindig of information and I’ll admit, I got a little worried about some of the moves simply because my strength has been a no lately. But… I literally JUST finished my first official workout, Define: Lower Body and I feel great. It’s an INCREDIBLY short workout but I saw so much room for improvement so didn’t necessarily feel ripped off or that I didn’t get something decent in. I do, however, feel like a little bit of cardio would be helpful with this burst of energy I currently feel.

And that’s just the thing, isn’t it?

We KNOW how good we feel after doing a workout. We know that our minds will be clearer, we will have more energy and we will feel just overall better about life. YET, we avoid working out and instead binge watch episodes of Gossip Girl in attempts to avoid dealing with our own personal lives. (anyone?)

So, my short little motivation to you is this: If you haven’t gotten in a workout today, even 20-30 min, stop what you’re doing and go do it. Do it before you stress over what to make for dinner, what the traffic commute will be or whether or not you are up to par on your adulting skills. This is me being someone to kick you in the butt as I desperately need someone to do this for me half the time.

 

We only have a day at a time, whether we like it or not. So, might as well start with the now, right?

All my loves!

Follow my journey on Instagram too! @circus.vagabond

But here’s my goals, so PiYo maybe?

I have no idea what I weigh right now.

Honestly, I don’t think I really care.

All I know is that I’m not fitting into clothes. Everything is tight, I’m consistently uncomfortable in anything and I simply lose most motivation to do much except sit around on my computer all day.

The crazy thing is, I know how good I feel when I eat well. I know how energized I get when I work out. I know I’ll sleep better, perform better, think better, feel better if I eat well and work out.

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Me working out on a regular basis. Look how happy! 

 

Yet, I don’t.

I was on the phone with my mom last night and her and I have both struggled with weight basically our entire lives. While I was overly involved in sports as a kid, I was never the fastest or strongest. I wasn’t bad, just not the best. But I loved sports so much. Hated running, so I went for the water sports, but still.

Anyway, she said to me that when she has been most successful with weight loss it was because she had set very small goals for herself. For that week, and that week alone, she was going to do A and B. Then, the next week, she could keep those goals and add on, or change the goals completely. More often than not, she would keep the goals and maybe add one or simply go another week pursuing the same. These goals ranged from drinking 2 liters of water a day, exercising for 30 min per day, having sugar only once and not twice, etc.

I’m jealous of people who can do a full 180 and completely devote themselves to an eating and exercise plan right out the gate. I wish I could but I honestly get burnt out way too fast and I end up resenting all things, including myself and loved ones around me because I’m ashamed I couldn’t keep up.

I’ve always been someone who isn’t great about completely following through. I love to talk about things I’m going to do, and I’ll fall in love with an idea for a few weeks and then it fizzles out. Already, in the past six months, I’ve bought everything for face painting, hot yoga, a new meal plan, makeup, and a cat. The cat is doing great and I’m very on top of that 😉 Face painting is in a box in a closet while my yoga mat sits rolled up at the end of my bed.

Ok, so now it’s out in my living room so I can do a Beachbody PiYo workout with it…

Speaking of which, that’s what I want to start today. It’s Wednesday, so it’s not like MONDAY but I plan to follow the plan perhaps with Wednesdays being my Mondays. I love Pilates and Yoga, and Chalene Johnson is pretty badass so figured I would give it a go. I’m combining it, possible with T25 and the eating plan from Trim Healthy Mama. It’s a lot to take on, combined with drinking at least 100oz of water a day (128oz is the goal).

But maybe I can stick this one out. Maybe.

A New Plan (THM)

So……

I got fat. Like biggest-I’ve-ever-been-in-my-whole-entire-young-ish-life chubby.

Ready?

Last weigh in: 215 lbs. 51LXIV1+3GL._SX258_BO1,204,203,200_

2.1.5.

Yikes.

And no, that number didn’t shock me. I felt my clothes getting tighter, my face rounder, my energy levels at an all-time low and it requiring a hand and a knee to get up off the ground. Yeah, it wasn’t a surprise at all.

But it still hurt.

That number on the scale screamed at me: “This is all your fault!” “You can’t blame anyone else!” “It’s all the sugar you’ve been eating.” “You haven’t exercised in months.” and blah, blah, blah.

And the voices haven’t stopped. I’ve stopped taking photos of myself. I refuse to buy new clothes or even makeup really because I’ve gotten it into my head that I don’t deserve it.

Now, let me pause here and say this: I do not hate my body.

I don’t.

My body isn’t to blame for any of this. My body is overall fairly strong, mostly healthy, surrounded my beautiful skin and is perfectly capable of doing some amazing things. It has taken me to amazing places and experienced wonderful and beautiful adventures.

I don’t hate my body.

BUT…

It’s hard for me not to hate myself. It’s hard not to be angry for treating my body the way I have, taking it for granted and not caring for it properly. I have eaten many foods to avoid boredom or made excuses like “I just need comfort food right now.”

You all know that this happens. Girls are the queens of “I just really NEED this right now.”

And yes, our bodies need food. Like A LOT. But they need better food than what I’ve been giving it.

So…..

I’m trying something.

I’m trying the Trim Healthy Mama “lifestyle.” Heard of it? It SEEMS fairly easy actually, however, definitely a learning curve and I’ll be the first to say that I ROYALLY fucked up today. Like, sooooo much sugar. My breakfast was ALMOST on point until I gave in and had that delicious oatmeal english muffin. I had noodles for dinner and a bowl of cocoa pebbles in the afternoon. Oh, and some pecan bars were thrown in there too, did I mention those? Ooops.

However, strangely enough, this plan is making me a little more forgiving of myself. I did a hot yoga class the other night and remembered what it was like to have compassion and grace for yourself and your body. Yes, I’ve been out of the game for a good year. But it’s not too late for me, not at all.

If you’re trying THM, I would love to hear about your experiences too! Good luck to all of us women who are just trying to stay beautiful in every way thanks to the overwhelming pressures of media and the like. We’re all in this together! ❤

How To Pack Like a Champ

As a traveling performer, I am always on the lookout for killer new ways to pack efficiently, tightly and stylishly. With my clothes being pulled in and out of suitcases and lugged from airplane to airplane, I can honestly say I’ve given up on buying anything that requires consistent ironing, dry cleaning or even air drying. I’ve definitely given up on such luxuries as lacy bras and panties as hotel laundry facilities are basically death to delicates.

14681585_10155085240751729_7211205716116369533_n.jpgHowever, I still like to look good on the road yet still maintain a high feeling of comfort. To take a break from packing for Houston (I leave tomorrow afternoon for a month-long gig at the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo), I thought I would give some of my best tips and tricks for packing a diverse wardrobe in a single suitcase and backpack.

SPACE SAVER BAGS

These things have literally been the lifesavers for my travels. For as long as I can remember, I used to just roll up my clothes and throw them in my suitcase, leaving them open to collecting that stale airport, airplane and whatever else smell that latches on in the course of travel. While I still highly recommend the rolling technique, putting all of my items in these air tight bags is the secret to keeping my clothes not only fresh but wrinkle-free. I am also able to bring SO many more items since I can vacuum seal them!

I’ve used many different brands but I usually stick with Zip-Loc as they have the tab that helps really create that air-tight seal. I use a large one for my main items (hoodies, shirts and pants) and then the small and mediums for bras, panties, socks, slippers, tank tops and tights.

MESH PACKING CUBES ebagsblog

My mom recently went to China for four months and she was having the hardest time figuring out how to organize everything for her trip; that is, until she stumbled upon packing cubes. Now most people would look at these things and think they were pointless and take up extra space. WRONG. These bad boys have simplified life ten-fold.

More often than not, I will drive to different gigs. Sometimes these gigs are 15-20 hours apart from each other which requires me to stop for the night. Before I leave the hotel, I’ll pack some clothes for the night, next day and some extras in one of these mesh cubes. I’ll then use a smaller cube for toiletries. Everything else goes into the space saver bags for later. This way, when I arrive at my hotel for the night, I can simply grab these two cubes without having to search for anything in the dark. I also don’t have to throw a bunch of things in a bag and take it all out on the hotel bed. Time is money, especially when you’ve just driven 10 hours straight!

TRAVEL-SIZE EVERYTHING

#TravelSize #MiniatureEverything

I don’t know what it is about travel-size items but I absolutely adore them. Maybe it’s because anything mini is absolutely adorable or because it’s just more fun to see how many of your favorite brands come in travel-size. Also, the price tag ain’t too shabby either.

I love when I can do a trip with just a carry-on and that is where travel-size items are my best friend. As a special treat to myself, I will go to places like Sephora or Ulta and buy travel-size items of brands I’ve always wanted to try or simply ones that I can’t afford the regular of. Not only does this allow me to feel pampered, but I also get to try things without fully committing to an expensive product. There’s nothing like luxurious bath products to make you feel relaxed in a strange hotel room.

KITCHEN ESSENTIALS

I despise going out to eat every night and watching my bank account drain faster than a Katy Perry relationship. In order to keep myself inside a traveler’s budget, I bring a few kitchen essentials that allow me to cook delicious meals inside my hotel room. A few things in my “kitchen box” include:

  • Mini cutting board
  • Sharp knife (perfect for cutting up fruits and veggies)
  • Nutribullet (It’s heavy but SO worth it)
  • French Press (travel size, of course)
  • Dollar store utensils (2 of each)
  • Italian seasoning (you can literally put it on everything)
  • Plastic Tupperware
  • Wine bottle opener (duh)
  • Mug

If I’m staying at a hotel that serves breakfast I’ll usually try and snag some bowls, plates and napkins but I don’t mind swinging by the local Target or Walmart and buying $1.99 paper plates.

As long as you stay organized, you can bring everything you want and need with you on all of your journeys. Happy traveling!

Photo Credit: The Odysessy Online 

A Craving for A Simple Life

I am writing this as I sit on the cold, gray floor of my Seattle apartment. Above me is the overhang of the kitchen counter, across from me, my closet. Cubbies stuffed with socks, panties, workout gear, tank tops, shoes and books. Shirts and jackets hang next to scarves and dresses. My backpack and halfway-unpacked carry-on lie on the floor. My pink socks match the backpack’s pipe detail.

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To my left sit a brand-new pair of pale pink Converse; I bought them today for a multitude of reasons, one of which being that I really did need a pair of good tennis for the summer tour season. Next to them, my trusty violet yoga mat that has become a favorite possession. To my right, the living room with the comfiest couch I’ve ever slept on covered in decorative throw pillows.

I love it here, but I feel empty.

See, I have everything that I need and really want. I have a closet filled with too many cute clothes, a bathroom drawer stocked with expensive makeup and hair products, a warm shower with a heavenly lavender sugar scrub and a kitchen full of nutritional food and wine.

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I am writing on a decent laptop with an extremely high-quality wifi connection inside a safe apartment in a creative neighborhood of Seattle. I can walk to the yoga studio, Starbucks, grocery store and the lake. I have a car if I need to go further.

Yet, it all seems like too much.

My life is a whirlwind of adventure, of packed and unpacked bags and hellos and goodbyes. I love it. But what if I could make things just a little more… simple?

I’ve told a few of my close friends they are simple and that I love it. They live simply, love passionately and seem to find joy in the everyday. When asked what I was looking for in a life partner, I replied, “I want someone who I actually want to go through the hard times of life with. Someone with whom I can find the passion, joy and excitement in the everyday mundane.” I know that marriage isn’t easy; that more times than not it may be difficult, trying, frustrating and angry. But I suppose I have always had a feeling that if I did decide to get married, I wanted someone who I could embrace those tough times with.

In other words, someone who even if life was simple, it was still great.

I’ve had my share of relationships and I got really close to finding that life partner. We had a house and a cabin, we loved coming home to each other and making dinner together. Life was fairly simple. But I wasn’t ready for that simplicity quite yet. I still had to “find myself” as millennial judgers would say – I needed to travel to Europe, live on my own, go off and do whatever the hell I felt like. And while I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m done, I know that all the cute clothes, exciting new places, and chance encounters are not enough.

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What if it really is true that all of us want to find love? I feel like love is quite opposite of SIMPLE, but maybe my lack of “ignorance is bliss” has caused me to be so jaded by the idea of marriage and long-term commitment. But maybe part of me craves that lake house that I’ve always wanted with my coffee being made in the same place every morning instead of in a hotel room. Maybe I miss real silverware, dinner plates, a kitchen table and someone to make dinner for every night.

I miss not caring about someone coming along who is smarter, prettier, younger and more talented than I am. I miss not caring about whether my outfit is cute, my hair is long enough or the right color or if I am skinny enough to still be seen on stage.  In my industry it is almost a constant competition with other performers who are looking to get work just like you. As women, our battles are doubled when you take in the superficial and aesthetics of it all. Side note: Women – stop fighting against each other and instead, support each other. ❤

I used to think that living a simple life was boring. But there’s joy and excitement in the everyday if you look for it. I guess the simplicity I seek is maybe still a little muddy. In my travels, I have seen many people live much simpler lives and they are incredibly happy.

So, if anything, I leave you with this. Chase after a GREAT PERHAPS but try and find your center. Make life simple: Love fiercely and be kind. Enjoy the simple pleasures such as a good morning text, a hug from your best friend, a Starbucks coffee, blue skies against a still lake, a kid’s laughter and warm cookies. So many of us who travel don’t get to experience these simple things and we miss it.

So, if anyone ever calls you simple, just smile. We all want to be you anyway.