I got fat. Like biggest-I’ve-ever-been-in-my-whole-entire-young-ish-life chubby.
Last weigh in: 215 lbs.
And no, that number didn’t shock me. I felt my clothes getting tighter, my face rounder, my energy levels at an all-time low and it requiring a hand and a knee to get up off the ground. Yeah, it wasn’t a surprise at all.
But it still hurt.
That number on the scale screamed at me: “This is all your fault!” “You can’t blame anyone else!” “It’s all the sugar you’ve been eating.” “You haven’t exercised in months.” and blah, blah, blah.
And the voices haven’t stopped. I’ve stopped taking photos of myself. I refuse to buy new clothes or even makeup really because I’ve gotten it into my head that I don’t deserve it.
Now, let me pause here and say this: I do not hate my body.
My body isn’t to blame for any of this. My body is overall fairly strong, mostly healthy, surrounded my beautiful skin and is perfectly capable of doing some amazing things. It has taken me to amazing places and experienced wonderful and beautiful adventures.
I don’t hate my body.
It’s hard for me not to hate myself. It’s hard not to be angry for treating my body the way I have, taking it for granted and not caring for it properly. I have eaten many foods to avoid boredom or made excuses like “I just need comfort food right now.”
You all know that this happens. Girls are the queens of “I just really NEED this right now.”
And yes, our bodies need food. Like A LOT. But they need better food than what I’ve been giving it.
I’m trying something.
I’m trying the Trim Healthy Mama “lifestyle.” Heard of it? It SEEMS fairly easy actually, however, definitely a learning curve and I’ll be the first to say that I ROYALLY fucked up today. Like, sooooo much sugar. My breakfast was ALMOST on point until I gave in and had that delicious oatmeal english muffin. I had noodles for dinner and a bowl of cocoa pebbles in the afternoon. Oh, and some pecan bars were thrown in there too, did I mention those? Ooops.
However, strangely enough, this plan is making me a little more forgiving of myself. I did a hot yoga class the other night and remembered what it was like to have compassion and grace for yourself and your body. Yes, I’ve been out of the game for a good year. But it’s not too late for me, not at all.
If you’re trying THM, I would love to hear about your experiences too! Good luck to all of us women who are just trying to stay beautiful in every way thanks to the overwhelming pressures of media and the like. We’re all in this together! ❤