21 Days & Counting

There’s something humbling about owning a scale.

Let me disclaim this by saying that I’m not a huge numbers person when it comes to my weight. I will go months without knowing or caring what I weigh and just go off how my clothes fit, the look/feel of my skin and generally how I feel. However, these past few months I have been feeling awful (as you all know) so I did what not a lot of people recommend doing.

I bought a scale. 35143562_10157436684946729_1767007901295050752_n

A shiny, black, super modern scale.

And what did that sexy scale scream back at me when I graced it with my freshly pedicured feet?

220 lbs.

I almost screamed as I quickly jumped off.

How did I let this happen?

Now, naturally, I freaked out and got all down on myself and threw a few things. But after a tantrum on my part, I sat down and just began to think. Yes, I have been eating like absolute crap. I’ve been sleeping horribly, my skin is breaking out, my energy is nonsense, I haven’t been able to focus at work and I’ve overall just felt “blah.”

(Yes, I realize this is a familiar conversation).

So, to skip all the blah blah blah for you, I’ve started 21 Day Fix. It’s a 21-Day workout program through BeachBody and is 21 days straight of 30 minute workouts with double days during the final week. I just finished the first day and while it was hard, it wasn’t downright want-to-kill-myself awful.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you MUST have compassion for yourself. Compassion, grace, kindness and positivity toward yourself. Not to sound crazy, but you are sometimes your own best friend and you would never speak to your best friend the way you speak to yourself sometimes, am I right?

So, I have two goals over the next 21 days. Well, I have like a 100 but here are the major ones:

  1. Drink a gallon of water every day (128 oz/5 water bottles)
  2. Follow the 21 Day Fix workout plan

Now, I didn’t exactly say follow the 21-Day Fix eating plan. I’m going to try my darndest too! But I can tell you right now that already I have been cutting out bread and it’s been awesome. We are taking the KETO approach if anything.

I can also tell you that upon completion of this 21-Day Fix program, I plan to go straight into 21-Day Fix Extreme, then A Little Obsessed and then either T25 or 80-Day Obsession. I did T25 in the past and while the workouts caused me to throw up a few times, I can definitely tell you that there were some SERIOUS results happening and quickly.

So I would love if you follow along on this journey.

To all those brides out there (Like me!!!!!), I know we are (mostly) thinking about looking AND FEELING amazing on our wedding day. So if you’re #sweatingforthewedding like me, I’d love to hear from you 🙂

Have courage and be kind!

xoxo

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Ok, sooooooo

OBVI… I’ve kind of failed.

I will be damn, completely F******* straight with you in that I have 100% FAILED to stay on plan.

Like completely failed.

Today I had a brownie, a Rice Krispie treat, a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich and some chicken alfredo.

Do I feel bad about it? I mean, kinda.

Okay, since we are being honest, I’m beating myself to a pulp over my lack of all the things as of late.

Let’s start with the positives before I get down and dirty about my habits. 32464407_10157362122731729_5572731121805819904_n (1)

  1. I am officially a face painter! I’ve performed five shows in the past week and painted about 200 adorable kids faces with the likes of Batman, Pokemon balls, butterflies, hearts, unicorns and gotten a smile every time! It’s been an incredibly rewarding thing and I’m learning more every single time. (Side note: I now want ALL THE COLORS)
  2. I am doing amazing at my job as a marketing strategist. I helped design a $50K launch ($32K of that was in ONE DAY) and continue to blow my bosses minds with creative ideas and kickass webinars and presentations. They want to move me to salary!
  3. My boyfriend is amazing.
  4. I have been able to pay all my bills every month and come home to an awesome apartment with the perfect kitten 🙂

Life is amazing. Yes.

But, I’m also human and to top it all off, I’m a woman. So OF COURSE I have come to the conclusion that none of this matters because I’m about 50 lbs overweight and I have done absolutely nothing to improve that situation.

It sucks.

I feel gross. My clothes don’t fit and I have zero to no energy. Side note: Zero to no energy equals out to zero to no sex drive 😦

Here’s a question for all you awesome readers out there: How do you “get in the mood” if you will, when you don’t feel sexy yourself? I adore my boyfriend and want to make him happy, but I can’t bring myself to feel sexy enough to want to play.

I want to like myself in pictures again. I want to feel motivated. I want to eat healthy.

Why is this so hard?

This is a short post to an extent and honestly, probably not a productive one for your day. If anything, I have to say this: Keep going and keep trucking. That’s my advice.

Now I want yours!

How do you amazing and beautiful curvy girls stay confident? I envy your amazing attitudes.

So far, so good.

Hey chickies!

So, we are officially two days into the PiYo workout from Beachbody and it’s good stuff. I have a decent background with yoga in that I’ve always been in love with the practice and flexibility and strength are so much more important to me than a getting a good run in (AKA fuck running).

Yesterday was the fundamentals, so that basically consisted of me standing around and attempting to perfect my alignment without a mirror.

Seriously, side note to any yoga studios out there:

HAVE MIRRORS! It will help your students with their alignment and they will fix themselves before you can get to them!

 

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Me legit being a little sad about the lack of muscle definition I have. But here’s a BEFORE shot to look back on that isn’t all prettied up with filters! 

 

Anyway.

 

So there was that 40-min shindig of information and I’ll admit, I got a little worried about some of the moves simply because my strength has been a no lately. But… I literally JUST finished my first official workout, Define: Lower Body and I feel great. It’s an INCREDIBLY short workout but I saw so much room for improvement so didn’t necessarily feel ripped off or that I didn’t get something decent in. I do, however, feel like a little bit of cardio would be helpful with this burst of energy I currently feel.

And that’s just the thing, isn’t it?

We KNOW how good we feel after doing a workout. We know that our minds will be clearer, we will have more energy and we will feel just overall better about life. YET, we avoid working out and instead binge watch episodes of Gossip Girl in attempts to avoid dealing with our own personal lives. (anyone?)

So, my short little motivation to you is this: If you haven’t gotten in a workout today, even 20-30 min, stop what you’re doing and go do it. Do it before you stress over what to make for dinner, what the traffic commute will be or whether or not you are up to par on your adulting skills. This is me being someone to kick you in the butt as I desperately need someone to do this for me half the time.

 

We only have a day at a time, whether we like it or not. So, might as well start with the now, right?

All my loves!

Follow my journey on Instagram too! @circus.vagabond

But here’s my goals, so PiYo maybe?

I have no idea what I weigh right now.

Honestly, I don’t think I really care.

All I know is that I’m not fitting into clothes. Everything is tight, I’m consistently uncomfortable in anything and I simply lose most motivation to do much except sit around on my computer all day.

The crazy thing is, I know how good I feel when I eat well. I know how energized I get when I work out. I know I’ll sleep better, perform better, think better, feel better if I eat well and work out.

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Me working out on a regular basis. Look how happy! 

 

Yet, I don’t.

I was on the phone with my mom last night and her and I have both struggled with weight basically our entire lives. While I was overly involved in sports as a kid, I was never the fastest or strongest. I wasn’t bad, just not the best. But I loved sports so much. Hated running, so I went for the water sports, but still.

Anyway, she said to me that when she has been most successful with weight loss it was because she had set very small goals for herself. For that week, and that week alone, she was going to do A and B. Then, the next week, she could keep those goals and add on, or change the goals completely. More often than not, she would keep the goals and maybe add one or simply go another week pursuing the same. These goals ranged from drinking 2 liters of water a day, exercising for 30 min per day, having sugar only once and not twice, etc.

I’m jealous of people who can do a full 180 and completely devote themselves to an eating and exercise plan right out the gate. I wish I could but I honestly get burnt out way too fast and I end up resenting all things, including myself and loved ones around me because I’m ashamed I couldn’t keep up.

I’ve always been someone who isn’t great about completely following through. I love to talk about things I’m going to do, and I’ll fall in love with an idea for a few weeks and then it fizzles out. Already, in the past six months, I’ve bought everything for face painting, hot yoga, a new meal plan, makeup, and a cat. The cat is doing great and I’m very on top of that 😉 Face painting is in a box in a closet while my yoga mat sits rolled up at the end of my bed.

Ok, so now it’s out in my living room so I can do a Beachbody PiYo workout with it…

Speaking of which, that’s what I want to start today. It’s Wednesday, so it’s not like MONDAY but I plan to follow the plan perhaps with Wednesdays being my Mondays. I love Pilates and Yoga, and Chalene Johnson is pretty badass so figured I would give it a go. I’m combining it, possible with T25 and the eating plan from Trim Healthy Mama. It’s a lot to take on, combined with drinking at least 100oz of water a day (128oz is the goal).

But maybe I can stick this one out. Maybe.

A New Plan (THM)

So……

I got fat. Like biggest-I’ve-ever-been-in-my-whole-entire-young-ish-life chubby.

Ready?

Last weigh in: 215 lbs. 51LXIV1+3GL._SX258_BO1,204,203,200_

2.1.5.

Yikes.

And no, that number didn’t shock me. I felt my clothes getting tighter, my face rounder, my energy levels at an all-time low and it requiring a hand and a knee to get up off the ground. Yeah, it wasn’t a surprise at all.

But it still hurt.

That number on the scale screamed at me: “This is all your fault!” “You can’t blame anyone else!” “It’s all the sugar you’ve been eating.” “You haven’t exercised in months.” and blah, blah, blah.

And the voices haven’t stopped. I’ve stopped taking photos of myself. I refuse to buy new clothes or even makeup really because I’ve gotten it into my head that I don’t deserve it.

Now, let me pause here and say this: I do not hate my body.

I don’t.

My body isn’t to blame for any of this. My body is overall fairly strong, mostly healthy, surrounded my beautiful skin and is perfectly capable of doing some amazing things. It has taken me to amazing places and experienced wonderful and beautiful adventures.

I don’t hate my body.

BUT…

It’s hard for me not to hate myself. It’s hard not to be angry for treating my body the way I have, taking it for granted and not caring for it properly. I have eaten many foods to avoid boredom or made excuses like “I just need comfort food right now.”

You all know that this happens. Girls are the queens of “I just really NEED this right now.”

And yes, our bodies need food. Like A LOT. But they need better food than what I’ve been giving it.

So…..

I’m trying something.

I’m trying the Trim Healthy Mama “lifestyle.” Heard of it? It SEEMS fairly easy actually, however, definitely a learning curve and I’ll be the first to say that I ROYALLY fucked up today. Like, sooooo much sugar. My breakfast was ALMOST on point until I gave in and had that delicious oatmeal english muffin. I had noodles for dinner and a bowl of cocoa pebbles in the afternoon. Oh, and some pecan bars were thrown in there too, did I mention those? Ooops.

However, strangely enough, this plan is making me a little more forgiving of myself. I did a hot yoga class the other night and remembered what it was like to have compassion and grace for yourself and your body. Yes, I’ve been out of the game for a good year. But it’s not too late for me, not at all.

If you’re trying THM, I would love to hear about your experiences too! Good luck to all of us women who are just trying to stay beautiful in every way thanks to the overwhelming pressures of media and the like. We’re all in this together! ❤

Be confident in your vulnerability.

“Be confident in your vulnerability.”

I heard this quote on a podcast recently called Maximize Your Strengths. The host, Alissa Daire Nelson, is a brilliant woman who I had the pleasure of meeting in Vegas at a convention and who I adored from the second I met her. It could be because her and I share four of our top five strengths… but, she’s also awesome. The quote above was heard during an interview she was having with Murray Guest during his talk on Individualization and I actually stopped the podcast for a second to ponder. Be confident in your vulnerability…

Let me preface this by saying that I DESPISE appearing vulnerable. Growing up, I was known as the girl who wore her emotions on her sleeve, who was dramatic and moody. While I’ll admit that not a whole lot has changed in the dramatic sense of things, I have made it a point to appear tough, put together and confident. I would tell myself that I was always in control of the situation, that I had the upper hand and that I would never let what happened to another person happen to me. In a way, I refused to accept that I was simply human.

I have always been a student of life. I LOVE talking to people from all over the world, learning about them and seeking advice and wisdom so as to maybe approach situations in my life with a little more awareness. I have become incredibly confident in myself and the person that I am, though almost to a fault in that I confuse confidence and control on an almost daily basis. But nevertheless, I always seek to learn from situations, to walk away with some piece of wisdom that I can pass on to the next person I see who is about to act how I did.

Let’s just say, it had been a while since I had truly “learned my lesson.”

To make a long story short, I let my guard down with a guy which resulted in me falling for him, getting incredibly hurt and reacting at a stage-five clinger/crazy girl level. While I should have accepted that he was a complete douchebag who thrived on playing on girls emotions, I was more upset about how I reacted. I was furious that I let him get to me, to get under my skin and close enough that he could manipulate me. I was livid that instead of being the strong girl and just walking away without a word, I tried so hard to “win him back” and to convince him that I was different from all the other girls. I had lost control of the situation that I had such a firm grasp over at the beginning. The ball was not in my court, I didn’t have the upper hand, and I was vulnerable. I didn’t eat for three days and I cried for five.

This loss of control wasn’t necessarily over this guy alone. He was more of a straw that broke the camel’s back that combined with me not having a strong support system, hating my job, in a less-than-ideal living situation, being single during the holidays, and whatever other self-pity nonsense you want to toss in there that caused me to spiral. But I won’t lie in saying that I was SO hurt.

Why is it that matters of the heart can damage us so much more than any broken bone or harsh word in this world?

But as I said before, I like to walk away from any situation with a learned lesson and I was able to add plenty to my list of lessons learned in life after this whole situation. I was able to start the New Year with a brand new outlook and list of goals and passions that I can only fully focus on if I’m single.

But with all of these new goals comes certain vulnerability… but I think I’m ready. Being a human makes us mortal which automatically makes us vulnerable. We are vulnerable walking across the street, eating by ourselves in a café, talking to a new person and taking on a new task. But if we are confident in that vulnerability, if we accept that we are human and not perfect, then we can approach so many things with such a higher level of confidence. And ultimately, that confidence will lead us to do many great things.

So be confident in your vulnerability and embrace it.

Here’s to Health

Here it is, Day One. I slipped up this morning when I had a Quaker Oats oatmeal thing that had whey protein in it – oops! But other than that I’ve had almonds, a banana with almond butter and a nectarine. On the menu is an energy mix made with almonds (can you tell I love almonds?), pumpkin seeds, cashews, dates and I think something else – can’t remember off the top of my head – as well as grape tomatoes, carrots and cucumbers with hummus and veggie pasta for dinner. I’ve started taking flaxseed oil, turmeric and B12 to help with nutrients and I need to throw in some coconut or almond milk for calcium. Drinking just water and so far, I feel awesome!

Here’s a little note of temptation: I’m currently in Orland, CA at the Glenn County Fair. For the next four days I will be surrounded by smells of fried everything as well as ice cream, beer, ICEEs and BBQ foods. So far, I haven’t felt tempted but it’s only been a few hours so who knows how I’ll feel six hours from now when I’ve been sitting in the sun listening to children screaming and telling people to “push the red button” on Sudsy’s a thousand times. 13151406_10154633851811729_3017438794107059033_n

Overall, I’m so excited to try this. I have never really been excited about a “diet” before and maybe it’s because I don’t see this as a temporary thing. I have always loved smoothies and often preferred them over food itself. I know that the hardest thing to give up is going to be pizza (although there are vegan options available) as well as ice cream. I have discovered vegan recipes for brownies (a guilty pleasure of mine) as well as cookies. But I’m actually more excited about trying all these new kinds of juices and smoothies and being able to look in the mirror everyday feeling a little bit better about myself.

For the past probably ten years (maybe more), I have struggled so much with my appearance. While I have never really let it stop me from doing anything or pursuing anyone, I have always felt self-conscious and overly aware of my body. As a performer, I am on stage and in front of people all the time. I walk around fairs in tight clothing resembling that of a ringmaster, cowgirl, pirate and even a flight attendant at times. And when I’m in costume, sure, I’m a hell of a confident girl because I’m a character, I’m not Paige anymore. But there are always the first looks in the mirror in the morning or at night, the moments where you stand 5 feet away because you look better not up close. There are the swimsuit fittings, costume fittings, shopping for makeup and hair products in order to cover up the fact that I’m a chubby girl with a pretty face. And this past week, I finally said that I’m done.

I’m done faking my smile and pretending that I’m not as big as I am. I am done spending a fortune on makeup and skin care and hair care in order to achieve the same results simply by eating right and exercising. I am done shying away from the idea of approaching someone simply because I am not cute or beautiful enough to catch their attention. I am done going into stores and not being able to find clothes that don’t fit me or boots that won’t accommodate my ginormous calves. I’m done being negative, treating my body like absolute shit and choosing food over my health, happiness and general well-being. I have given so much power to food. I have given it the power to cure my boredom, dictate my social events, serve my temporary cravings and distract my feelings of loneliness, self-pity, a bad day even. I don’t honestly really care how long I live – that’s not completely my decision to make. But what I do care about is my quality of life, the happiness that I feel and the depth of my relationships with other people. I care about not letting my body stop me from taking on any adventure whether that be hiking, kayaking, rock-climbing, swimming, cliff diving, ziplining, waterfall repelling or simply being an amazing performer.

So here is to trying something new, something that may or may not work (though the whole not working thing seems completely ridiculous) and something that at it’s very core is going to improve my health. I eat vegetables, fruits, nuts, beans, legumes, whole grains and that’s it. I don’t eat dairy products, meat products or anything that has added sugar (I don’t always win in that department but I’m trying). I’m not here to proclaim my veganism or guilt you for your love of steak, eggs or yogurt. One of the best phrases I have learned as a traveler has been this: You do you, and I’ll do me. I am writing this in search of support and ideas from other vegans as well as a way of documenting this new path that I’m jumping on. This blog also serves as self-accountability. I want to, 30 days, 60 days, a year from now, be able to look back on this post and say “I actually did it, I stuck with it – here’s how I’m doing.” I have had a lot of Day One’s in my life and I’m sure I’ll have a lot more. I have started diets, jobs, relationships and more only to quit within a year or two – sometimes less.

So here’s to trying new things for health!