Ok, sooooooo

OBVI… I’ve kind of failed.

I will be damn, completely F******* straight with you in that I have 100% FAILED to stay on plan.

Like completely failed.

Today I had a brownie, a Rice Krispie treat, a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich and some chicken alfredo.

Do I feel bad about it? I mean, kinda.

Okay, since we are being honest, I’m beating myself to a pulp over my lack of all the things as of late.

Let’s start with the positives before I get down and dirty about my habits. 32464407_10157362122731729_5572731121805819904_n (1)

  1. I am officially a face painter! I’ve performed five shows in the past week and painted about 200 adorable kids faces with the likes of Batman, Pokemon balls, butterflies, hearts, unicorns and gotten a smile every time! It’s been an incredibly rewarding thing and I’m learning more every single time. (Side note: I now want ALL THE COLORS)
  2. I am doing amazing at my job as a marketing strategist. I helped design a $50K launch ($32K of that was in ONE DAY) and continue to blow my bosses minds with creative ideas and kickass webinars and presentations. They want to move me to salary!
  3. My boyfriend is amazing.
  4. I have been able to pay all my bills every month and come home to an awesome apartment with the perfect kitten 🙂

Life is amazing. Yes.

But, I’m also human and to top it all off, I’m a woman. So OF COURSE I have come to the conclusion that none of this matters because I’m about 50 lbs overweight and I have done absolutely nothing to improve that situation.

It sucks.

I feel gross. My clothes don’t fit and I have zero to no energy. Side note: Zero to no energy equals out to zero to no sex drive 😦

Here’s a question for all you awesome readers out there: How do you “get in the mood” if you will, when you don’t feel sexy yourself? I adore my boyfriend and want to make him happy, but I can’t bring myself to feel sexy enough to want to play.

I want to like myself in pictures again. I want to feel motivated. I want to eat healthy.

Why is this so hard?

This is a short post to an extent and honestly, probably not a productive one for your day. If anything, I have to say this: Keep going and keep trucking. That’s my advice.

Now I want yours!

How do you amazing and beautiful curvy girls stay confident? I envy your amazing attitudes.

Advertisements

So far, so good.

Hey chickies!

So, we are officially two days into the PiYo workout from Beachbody and it’s good stuff. I have a decent background with yoga in that I’ve always been in love with the practice and flexibility and strength are so much more important to me than a getting a good run in (AKA fuck running).

Yesterday was the fundamentals, so that basically consisted of me standing around and attempting to perfect my alignment without a mirror.

Seriously, side note to any yoga studios out there:

HAVE MIRRORS! It will help your students with their alignment and they will fix themselves before you can get to them!

 

IMG_6848.jpg

Me legit being a little sad about the lack of muscle definition I have. But here’s a BEFORE shot to look back on that isn’t all prettied up with filters! 

 

Anyway.

 

So there was that 40-min shindig of information and I’ll admit, I got a little worried about some of the moves simply because my strength has been a no lately. But… I literally JUST finished my first official workout, Define: Lower Body and I feel great. It’s an INCREDIBLY short workout but I saw so much room for improvement so didn’t necessarily feel ripped off or that I didn’t get something decent in. I do, however, feel like a little bit of cardio would be helpful with this burst of energy I currently feel.

And that’s just the thing, isn’t it?

We KNOW how good we feel after doing a workout. We know that our minds will be clearer, we will have more energy and we will feel just overall better about life. YET, we avoid working out and instead binge watch episodes of Gossip Girl in attempts to avoid dealing with our own personal lives. (anyone?)

So, my short little motivation to you is this: If you haven’t gotten in a workout today, even 20-30 min, stop what you’re doing and go do it. Do it before you stress over what to make for dinner, what the traffic commute will be or whether or not you are up to par on your adulting skills. This is me being someone to kick you in the butt as I desperately need someone to do this for me half the time.

 

We only have a day at a time, whether we like it or not. So, might as well start with the now, right?

All my loves!

Follow my journey on Instagram too! @circus.vagabond

Yoga, Tequila & 25 Push-Ups

There is a very high chance that I woke up this morning still drunk from last night. While my extreme case of the spins had dissipated, my headache, slightly blurred vision and dangerous lack of clarity was still very present. Tequila had reintroduced itself to me in multiple forms. However, I am proud to say that it did not take on the form of a single shot glass straight to my tonsils. Nope, no shots for me. Just a little orange juice, grilled grapefruit, ice, grenadine and some flavor of bitters… and tequila.

I should mention that tequila and I have never gotten along. We are not friends nor exactly enemies, we just have agreed to disagree on many things. Like margaritas. It is always a good time for a margarita. However, tequila and I have agreed never to meet in a shot glass by ourselves. If we steer clear of that kind of meeting, we usually do fine. But what I fail to remember every time that I do have tequila is that 1) I will definitely throw up and 2) It’s pretty much the worst type of hangover there is. So, last night was a little reminder that tequila, me, new friends and orange juice should never play in the same sandbox. Ever.

1435928688.jpg

So, after a three-and-a-half-hour drive to Rochester, NY, including a very expensive stop at Starbucks and a long line at the US border, I have arrived in one piece. Feeling particularly motivated, I took my hangover by the balls and told it to go fuck itself.

So, I did yoga.

I have always, always, always adored practicing yoga. I’ll admit that there is a part of me that wants to be a “yoga girl.” It’s hot and it means I can bend my body in cool ways. Hello flexibility J But I also have always loved how yoga makes me feel. Yoga is such a personal thing for me and remains to be a vehicle of self-love and grace. I’m not breathless at the end of a yoga session yet I still feel like I worked hard. I always feel a little bit closer to a goal, a little bit more connected and a tiny bit stronger. Maybe it’s because yoga is more measurable to me than many other exercises. Sure, you can get faster or you can lift more weight. But with yoga I can really connect with my body’s performance and what it is doing. I can visualize the present, focus on my heart beating and think about nothing else for an hour. Yoga is something I can do on the road in the privacy of my own hotel room or go to the gym if I’m feeling particularly confident. But afterwards I just feel clearer.

After my 30-minute practice today, I opened the Productive app on my phone. I had put in various goals I wished to accomplish each day and realized that I hadn’t followed through with really any of them since writing them down. A daily goal I had set a while back was to do 25 push-ups every day.

I DESPISE push-ups. This exercise is the devil and usually the most painful exercise out there. Which, duh, of course, is the reason why it’s also one of the absolute best exercises out there but still. I hate them.

Now, I’m not a point currently where I can do 25 pushups in a row. Since I refuse to do “girl pushups,” I must break them up into two sets of 10 and one set of five. This way, it’s not complete hell and it’s a little victory (slash rest break) in between. My goal is of course to be able to do 25, or 50, pushups in a row but baby steps here.

So, I did 25 pushups, I’m writing a blog post and I feel good. These are the moments that I remember how much I love being single. I can chase “passions” or hobbies, do whatever I want with the time I have and I don’t have to work around anyone else’s schedule. Now, of course, I have things that need to get done throughout the day but whatever time I have left is mine and I intend to start taking advantage of that time.

One of the regrets I have is that I binge watched the entire Sex and The City series while I was in Ireland. Granted, I was short on cash and the weather was disgusting, but I still didn’t really take advantage of traveling and seeing more of Ireland when I had the chance. I was throwing a pity party for myself, getting over a breakup and mourning the fact that I “came to Europe unprepared.” Which sucks. While I’m sure, in hindsight, that I needed some time completely to myself, I could have used that time to find new hobbies, gone for walks or even considered freelance. But I didn’t. So, lesson learned.

Overall, I would say that this was a great day. I have a mingling session at 9pm tonight and I’m going to head out to dinner and hopefully begin conversations at the hotel bar. While I have zero intentions of drinking alcohol tonight, I do look forward to meeting new prospects and learning more about this crazy industry that I’m part of.

Try and check something off your list today. Trust me, it’s going to feel amazing.

Photo credit: Sunday Calling

Here’s to Health

Here it is, Day One. I slipped up this morning when I had a Quaker Oats oatmeal thing that had whey protein in it – oops! But other than that I’ve had almonds, a banana with almond butter and a nectarine. On the menu is an energy mix made with almonds (can you tell I love almonds?), pumpkin seeds, cashews, dates and I think something else – can’t remember off the top of my head – as well as grape tomatoes, carrots and cucumbers with hummus and veggie pasta for dinner. I’ve started taking flaxseed oil, turmeric and B12 to help with nutrients and I need to throw in some coconut or almond milk for calcium. Drinking just water and so far, I feel awesome!

Here’s a little note of temptation: I’m currently in Orland, CA at the Glenn County Fair. For the next four days I will be surrounded by smells of fried everything as well as ice cream, beer, ICEEs and BBQ foods. So far, I haven’t felt tempted but it’s only been a few hours so who knows how I’ll feel six hours from now when I’ve been sitting in the sun listening to children screaming and telling people to “push the red button” on Sudsy’s a thousand times. 13151406_10154633851811729_3017438794107059033_n

Overall, I’m so excited to try this. I have never really been excited about a “diet” before and maybe it’s because I don’t see this as a temporary thing. I have always loved smoothies and often preferred them over food itself. I know that the hardest thing to give up is going to be pizza (although there are vegan options available) as well as ice cream. I have discovered vegan recipes for brownies (a guilty pleasure of mine) as well as cookies. But I’m actually more excited about trying all these new kinds of juices and smoothies and being able to look in the mirror everyday feeling a little bit better about myself.

For the past probably ten years (maybe more), I have struggled so much with my appearance. While I have never really let it stop me from doing anything or pursuing anyone, I have always felt self-conscious and overly aware of my body. As a performer, I am on stage and in front of people all the time. I walk around fairs in tight clothing resembling that of a ringmaster, cowgirl, pirate and even a flight attendant at times. And when I’m in costume, sure, I’m a hell of a confident girl because I’m a character, I’m not Paige anymore. But there are always the first looks in the mirror in the morning or at night, the moments where you stand 5 feet away because you look better not up close. There are the swimsuit fittings, costume fittings, shopping for makeup and hair products in order to cover up the fact that I’m a chubby girl with a pretty face. And this past week, I finally said that I’m done.

I’m done faking my smile and pretending that I’m not as big as I am. I am done spending a fortune on makeup and skin care and hair care in order to achieve the same results simply by eating right and exercising. I am done shying away from the idea of approaching someone simply because I am not cute or beautiful enough to catch their attention. I am done going into stores and not being able to find clothes that don’t fit me or boots that won’t accommodate my ginormous calves. I’m done being negative, treating my body like absolute shit and choosing food over my health, happiness and general well-being. I have given so much power to food. I have given it the power to cure my boredom, dictate my social events, serve my temporary cravings and distract my feelings of loneliness, self-pity, a bad day even. I don’t honestly really care how long I live – that’s not completely my decision to make. But what I do care about is my quality of life, the happiness that I feel and the depth of my relationships with other people. I care about not letting my body stop me from taking on any adventure whether that be hiking, kayaking, rock-climbing, swimming, cliff diving, ziplining, waterfall repelling or simply being an amazing performer.

So here is to trying something new, something that may or may not work (though the whole not working thing seems completely ridiculous) and something that at it’s very core is going to improve my health. I eat vegetables, fruits, nuts, beans, legumes, whole grains and that’s it. I don’t eat dairy products, meat products or anything that has added sugar (I don’t always win in that department but I’m trying). I’m not here to proclaim my veganism or guilt you for your love of steak, eggs or yogurt. One of the best phrases I have learned as a traveler has been this: You do you, and I’ll do me. I am writing this in search of support and ideas from other vegans as well as a way of documenting this new path that I’m jumping on. This blog also serves as self-accountability. I want to, 30 days, 60 days, a year from now, be able to look back on this post and say “I actually did it, I stuck with it – here’s how I’m doing.” I have had a lot of Day One’s in my life and I’m sure I’ll have a lot more. I have started diets, jobs, relationships and more only to quit within a year or two – sometimes less.

So here’s to trying new things for health!